"Looking for Lovely"

“Broken crazy.”

Those words got me, y’all. This spring, in an ongoing, internal crisis, I read these words, and I wept. It was me. Annie was vulnerably telling her story, but I was feeling my own.

There wasn’t a single detail in Annie’s story that mimicked my own darkness. Not a single thing she was describing looked like any part of my life or past. But, when she spoke the words “broken” and “crazy” together to illustrate what was going on inside of her, I felt like we were the same person.

I don’t know if this is true for Annie or if it could be true for you, but my biggest struggle wasn’t necessarily the fact that I felt broken or crazy. I’d come to terms with that. My problem was that I’d never felt this way before. At least on the outside, I’d always been able to keep myself together. People look to me for help and assistance, guidance and wisdom. I’ve been through tough stuff in my lifetime, and I’ve always had the ability to power on and through with confidence and trust. So, figuring out how to operate when my insides were screaming at me to take care of the “broken crazy” was a crisis of its own. I think maybe I was scared, because I couldn't hide what was going on in me any longer, and I didn't know how others would respond. I'll tell you more about this later.

“God put man into a deep sleep. As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh. God then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man…… The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:21-22, 24 MSG)

In chapter 2 of Genesis, God created Adam and then Eve. He placed them in the Garden and gave them authority over everything there. They were called to cultivate the Garden and cause it to flourish. It sounds like they were given the task of maintaining the lovely, together. There was nothing broken. No one was crazy. They were fully seen and known (naked), and they felt no shame.

I wonder if hiding from God in the Garden after complete failure felt like Annie’s “broken crazy” to the first two humans. Or, did they feel it more when the Garden and all that they’d known was closed off to them? Whatever they would call it, I believe shame was the result. And, they weren’t created for shame. Neither were you and me.

Annie was running from her shame.

I was pouting and fighting in mine.

What about you… When parts of life become broken and crazy thoughts take over, how do you cope? What do you do? Where do you go? And, what would it look like to just sit in the discomfort/shame, pay attention to it, and ask the Creator of our lives to show us how to move forward in it?

Please read Psalm 139 as your personal reading time today. I hope you have time to read all of it. I believe the pathway out of the “broken crazy” is to remember who we are as God’s children. He knows us. He knows EVERY PART of us. We can’t hide anything from Him, and why would we want to? Only He can take the yucky and make it lovely. After reading all 24 verses, I invite you to create your own prayer from your reading. Or, feel free to use mine.

God, search me and know my heart. Investigate my life inside and out. See what is hidden in me. If there is any path of pain and brokenness that I’m walking, lead me back to Your perfect path. I want to follow you, God, because Your way is lovely. Amen.