Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
I've grown and continue to grow in my faith walk as I am learning so much about transformation. I have considered myself a Christian for as long as I can remember, but it has taken me many years to get to a place where I finally think I have understanding of the true depth of just what that means. God's design for us is to work towards to obtaining the heart of Christ, no matter what our circumstance are.
As a child, I grew up in a household full of anger, rage, and complete dysfunction. A household with parents constantly fighting does not create a nurturing secure environment for children, but instead a hostile place of insecurity and survival. It was very difficult to process what I was feeling on any given day, but I definitely didn't feel loved and secure by any means. I left that household totally unprepared for the world. As an adult, I realized that what I hated as a child, I actually ended up settling for as an adult, because it was familiar. I didn't know what a healthy, Godly, loving household looked like, so consequently I have spent many unhappy years in marriages measured with the wrong ideas of love and security. I chose abusive, addicted, controlling and unfaithful men as marriage partners, and truly was not able to see these things prior to each marriage. I reached out to God, and tried to be a better Christian, so why was this cycle continuing? On the outside my marriages appeared to be the perfect marriage, but inside I was growing more and more frustrated, and reverted back to burst of anger and sadness, a very familiar childhood existence.
After the second marriage, I focused a lot of time and attention on the Lord. I knew deep inside that He loved me unconditionally. I also went to therapy as well and life seemed to be getting back on track. I was spending time in prayer, with my bible, with friends at church, and just focusing on working on me. I was having many more happy days and really plugged into my church. Then my priest introduced me to my 3rd husband. I prayed about it and really felt God had His hand in this one. We dated, fell in love, got married, and I thought life was great again. But a few years into the marriage, I found myself feeling frustrated once again because I was in an addictive marriage. And to no surprise, I reverted back to an impatient, angry person, and my behavior was getting completely out of control. I was trying to control my husband and his addiction, and our marriage was spiraling out of control. I nagged and complained about everything he wasn't, and felt completely justified in doing so. After all, it was his problem and I had every right to be unhappy, frustrated, and angry at him and life itself. Deep down inside, I was angry at myself. God, how could I have made this mistake again? I needed answers, intervention, understanding, and guidance, because divorce could not be the solution to my life choices. Through lots of prayer, my patient, loving Father began to guide me to the sources I needed to get to the heart of the matter.
The condition of our hearts determines who we are and the quality of our lives and marriages. I really thought for years I was growing in my Christian faith, but with each set back, I fell back into an angry, controlling, unhappy person, much like that child in survival mode. This is so hard to own up to, but I have failed over the years in examining my heart, because I thought I was justified in feeling this way. Over the past several months, I have been working diligently to resolve the broken places in my heart. I'm learning it's not about behavior modification, which is really what I have been trying to do for years. Inflicting anger on others because we have broken places in our hearts dishonors God. I love God too much to continue dishonoring and disobeying Him. Transformation is the core tho the Christian faith. And with transformation comes the freedom of bondage. I really do want the heart of Christ and I'm very committed to get there! God wants me to be free, He loves me, He desires for me to have the heart of Christ, and I feel like I'm finally on the true path to transformation!
Additional verses: Ezekiel 36:26; 2 Corinthians 3:18; Philippians 1:6
You sent Your Son to walk among us to teach us what a heart of love really looks like. Lord, I really do desire to have a more Christ like heart, so please continue to help me as I work towards creating a clean heart, the right spirit and a renewed mind. Help me Lord heal from the hurt of my past, to always walk in obedience and to always remember to put my trust in You. I thank You for Your Word, the continued opportunity to grow in grace and the path to freedom! In Your Holy name I pray, Amen.