We are each His beautiful and unique vessels called to pour out the Light and Love of Christ, therefore WE GO...
Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
How do you find out your children ever truly love you? In my case, it was through a horrible and painful divorce that left me stunned, in shock, and depressed. When I was 19, I found myself pregnant before I was married. I remember my ex asking my dad for my hand in marriage and my dad telling me that as soon as I walk out that door, I was going to fail. (Ephesians 5:31) My dad was a man of few words, unless he was drunk or angry or mad at you for something. I now know that growing up in an alcoholic family and only knowing fighting and arguing and no one getting along or even liking each other, was not the best representation of what a family home should look like. I desperately wanted to be married and have a family. One that was full of love. One that where the siblings got along and actually loved each other. I had that and more when I got married. I thought I hit the family jackpot. I didn’t know God that much back then, didn’t even ever open up a bible. But I felt like He gave me a green light to “go” out of my parents home and prove to my dad that I was not going to fail. My ex’s grandmother took me under her wings…more like God working through her to get to me. (2 Timothy 3:16, Colossians 3:16) She taught me what the bible was and how to read it, plus find chapters and verses. This was all so strange to me because I grew up not ever having or reading a bible. The closest I ever got was when a childhood friend invited me to her church a couple of times and she happened to be studying the order of the books in the New Testament. It was there that I learned those books, but not until my Grandmother in Law was teaching me that I realized why I learned them. God knew where I was headed, but I never thought about why and where I was going with all that I was learning and growing closer to God. (Isaiah 55:8, Ephesians 3:20)
After 7 years of putting my ex through college, he found his purpose in life and the money to go with it. We would wipe out all our debt in 4 years and we were finally living the dream. My dad had just passed away but he got to see that I didn’t fail, after all. Well, at least he wasn’t alive to see us fail. (1 Timothy 6:10) In 2010, our marriage was going downhill. In 2013, at what should have been one of the best times of our lives, about to become empty nesters and finally getting back to just being a couple for the first time in our lives, I found out that he had been having an affair for quite some time. Our youngest son was about to graduate high school and was being highly recruited to swim for D1 colleges. We had to go through that process “as a family” while knowing that the process of separation and eventual divorce would totally interfere with my son. He stayed strong, got the best grades and scores that he needed to swim, despite this happening to us. This was just a testament to how God was so in control of our lives.
I went into a deep depression while my son was moving away to college in 2015 and ending a 29 year marriage was just too much to handle. Proverbs 3:5,6 was the very first verse that I had memorized and kept tucked into my heart. My grandmother in law told me that I should find a verse that I could keep with me at all times, just in case. She also passed away before she saw us crumble, thank goodness, as that would have just about broke her knowing what her first grandson was doing. Back to my boys….how did I know they loved me? They sat with me and watched me go dark. They held me while I cried/sobbed at any moment of the day. They patiently waited for me to come out of it. They called or came by to visit just to see if I showered or ate or got up from the same chair they saw me in when they left for school or work. They studied and looked up divorces and how to get a lawyer. They taught me how to go to court and what to expect. They wrote pages of notes for me and found lots of websites for me to read. These boys, they helped save me. It broke my heart to see them watching me go into this place they had never seen me in, before. It was painful to hear them talk about their dad and refusing to answer his calls or to join him for anything anymore. Then one day, I just got busy praying so hard and begged God to bring me up out of this pit for my sons’ sake. The one and only time I audibly heard God speak to me was when He told me to “let it go!” I was devastated once more knowing that He wanted me to give in and allow this divorce. (1 Peter 5:7, Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:6) I felt like the failure my dad talked about when I was forced to agree to this divorce. I felt like a failure showing this much weakness to my boys. I felt like a failure as a woman and a Christian. But God…(Isaiah 43:2, John 16:30, 1 John 4:4, Psalm 3:3) Just when I thought I couldn’t go on with life, He picked me up and carried me through it all. He was there with me the whole time; I just couldn’t see it. He was there when I learned the books of the New Testament, He was there when I was learning to read a bible for the first time, He was there when I chose my favorite verse that I would need to lean on years later, He was just there with me through it all. (Isaiah 43:2)
This past weekend, my son graduated from college. I feel like me and my boys were all celebrating not just his graduation but a season of life that we got through, together. By God’s amazing grace, he gave me the family I always wanted. We all have a bond that will never be broken, we will never abandon each other, and most importantly we will never stop loving each other. I don’t know where God wants me to go now, but wherever it is and whatever I’m to do, I will go…because He said so and He will be there with me every step of the way.
Lord, I am so thankful that you gave me the perfect family just for me. You said you would direct my paths and give me a future and lift my head. You are the God who has overcome the world. You are the God of truth and You stay true to Your promises. My hope and prayer is that I will listen and follow you, even through the valleys and dark places because I know that You will be there with me.
These are just a few songs that got me through this time:
Additional verses: Proverbs 4:23, Proverbs 5:1, James 1:2-4, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Isaiah 65:24, Proverbs 31:25